I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
