somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it hurts more in the daytime
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize