I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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