the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
