just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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