I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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