I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
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