Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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