I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
