It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
