Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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