I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
