Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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