this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
