Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
