i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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