apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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