I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
