My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize