and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
