i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
