I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
