Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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