I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
