dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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