you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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