My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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