theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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