Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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