it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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