and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
