How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
