I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
