my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
