we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
