we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
