Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
