she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
