I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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