So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
