We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My vagina just clenched in fear
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
