Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Someone came in the potted fern
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
