make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
