Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
