It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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