I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
