Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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