i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
