I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
