Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
