The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
