im having a threesome with these popsicles
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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