I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
