I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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