I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
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