happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
