yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
so much tequila, so little girl.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
