Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
