Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize