I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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