So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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