my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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