You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
