I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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