every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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