I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
whose parrot is this?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
