She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
