She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
