Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
either way he was missing a nipple.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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