Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
