i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
