I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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